Deliver me out of my sadness..

Friday, Nov. 25, 2005 ~ 12:28 a.m.

I am feeling so incredibly uninspired and restless that it's ridiculous. I really must be bipolar.

Scar tissue that I wish you saw -- sarcasm, Mr. Know It All..

I wrote quite a fair bit on my nanowrimo novel today (www.nanowrimo.org) and actually had about 4,000 words written, and for some reason, most of what I wrote today is gone.. well, about 1,000 words of it and right now I am just so aggitated and.. well, right, pissed off is what I am. Anyhow, I can't settle down to write and every little thing is driving me INSANE. Like kittens, playing in a cardboard box beside me. I want to kill them.

Soft spoken with a broken jaw, step outside but not to brawl..

I was really frustrated because I was waaaay behind on my novel and I actually made some leeway today, and I just want to finish it. And now everything that I had accomplished today is gone, and I am that much farther from my goal. I don't even feel inspired to do anything right now. Nothing. Not even write this entry but I'll keep on going..

Actually.. might be able to focus a bit better if I put my headphones on, so going to do that so I can zone out and block out everything else and go on a couple of writing sprints.

I don't know why I am so hellbent on this stupid novel getting finished. Maybe because I always wanted to be an author and I have never been able to put two concious thoughts together and make anything out of them and I thought, if I can just reach my 50k word goal by the end of the month, maybe I will be able to accomplish other things in my life, but what kind of goals can I reach if I can't even write a piddly 50k word, nonsense, crap novel?

Oh, well I promised you I would change, I'm an asshole and I'm ashamed. And I'm upset because I betrayed everything that you gave. Well you never let me explain, can I beg you to let me stay? Well don't quit me because I promise to never let this happen again..

I am feeling the coursing blood of desire for change running through my veins again. I have been too long at this job, too long in this house, my character is growing stale, and it's a horrible horrible feeing. Feeling yoru character, your personality, just disintegrate out of you like fog. It's disgusting, in fact, and gives you such a feeling of helplessness.

It feels like I am ready for a change, ready to move on.

Standing in the middle of yesterday, when it all went wrong and we made mistakes. I'm sorry for the things I forgot to say, but it won't be long and it'll be okay... Well, I'm gonna make it up to you, I'll make it up to you, I'll make it up to you..

I keep saying stuff like that, but I literally cannot move at this point, anywhere in my life. It's not an option to pick up and go like I did after high school. I am trapped in debt, held down, it crushes my chest. I actually wrote it down and told it to someone, how much I owed, and it made me feel sick. I am behind on my payments, I never have money. I am doomed to maintain the same life that I had when I was a kid. No money, nothing.

God, I need to do something right now. It's 12:36 and I am not even near ready for bed, I just feel itchy, like I am falling out of my skin and I have no control over it.

I do like the way that I can vaguely hear my furious clicking of keys as I am plugged in with my iTunes cranked up quite high.. it makes me feel like I am doing something worth it.

You know that we're falling, we're falling back.. into the sun..

Tomorrow night is the "Festive Gala" (read: Christmas party) for work. Kellie, Alain, Justin and I are all going to meet up there and have fun. Last year, I went with my parents and while that was alright, I am eager to get out with my friends and have some fun. We're going to go out after that, likely, and much drunken hilarity will ensue, I am sure -- maybe it's just what I need. To be a lush, and have a good laugh about my entire situation.

Soundtrack of this entry:

Scar Tissue - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Middle of Yesterday - Our Lady Peace
Into The Sun - Lifehouse